the Beginning of the creation of God

    You should have seen the way I pleaded with Dad to let me create you, for I knew the way He held you in His heart. He said it would be great and full of wonder and beauty, but He also knew that it wouldn't be all sunshine and roses, but there would be storms and thorns as well. He warned Me of the pain, the loneliness, of the anguish, but I WANTED YOU,  I NEEDED YOU, I was LONGING for YOU, I LOVED YOU, and it was that love that I allowed to blind Me to the pain, the loneliness, the anguish, the storms, and the thorns. I just HAD to HAVE YOU. And of course Dad, He also wanted you, for He had carried you in His heart for all of eternity, but He hated the idea of you suffering, of creating something/someone so beautiful and perfect and then having to be separated from you, having to chase you away from such sweet fellowship, watch you turn your back on Him and walk full face, unknowingly, into suffering, storms, and thorns. I told Him, Dad, I'm willing to go and get them back for You. I am willing to go and live among them, even enter the woman's womb, make myself so small, face all the storms and thorns and I'm even willing to die for them, my life for theirs.
     Now Dad is wise, He asked if I could really allow Myself to be completely separated from Him, cuz that's what it would take in the end. I told Him, yes, but it wasn't until I found myself face down in the garden of Gethsemane that the difficulty of my work became reality, I felt it in the very depths of Me. So close to you and yet so far away, I even told Dad, let this cup pass from me, but if I must I will go through with it. I already knew His answer, I knew I must go through, I couldn't lose you, and neither could He. You're too dear to us. And when I was on the cross, about to commit My spirit to Dad, that's when I felt the full force of separation staring me in the face, I even asked Him why, oh why had He forsaken me. But I knew that it wasn't about me, but about you, I knew this temporary anguish would be worth it. YOU are SO WORTH IT beloved.
     And when I had convinced Dad of my willingness, and my understanding of just what it would take, He seemed satisfied, but still hesitant. But what about when You come back and sit at My right hand, He had asked. He knew that you would feel like I'd left you, just there, like that, like poor orphans. He knew you would be afraid and crying for Me, for Him. That's when Holy Spirit piped in. He talked of how He would have to play a part too, and He was so willing and looked forward to going and dwelling in your hearts, to comfort you. He said he would love to walk alongside you, guide you, give you the wisdom that you need, and teach you about your authority, and the power that I've given you, He'd be willing to teach you about your identity and help you to walk in a manner worthy of your calling. He would help you to find your way, the Way, back to Dad.
     Now when Dad heard this, a big smile spread across His face, and He laughed a deep laugh, full of joy unmeasurable, and Holy Spirit and I, We joined in too, We couldn't contain ourselves. Dad said yes! He said, let's go for it, and that was all I needed to hear. Holy Spirit and I began the work at His word. Creating a beautiful place and a beautiful people. And when Dad breathed life into you, I'm never going to forget that moment, when your eyes locked with His, the way He gazed into your eyes with such love, as if it was love itself He was breathing into you. And every evening we would come and walk with you, it was what We looked forward to everyday. It was was such a beautiful time, Oh that you would come back beloved, that we could have such sweet, sweet, fellowship again.
     Beloved, when you walked out of the garden that day, it broke our hearts, Dad was trying to hold it together, but His love shown clearly, in the tear that slowly made it's way down His face. And from that day, I waited for the perfect day, when I would come to get you back. Dad kept reminding you that I was going to come. And FINALLY I was with you again, walking on earth as I once had, but the circumstances had changed and it was a painful journey, and you looked me in the face and betrayed me, you denied me, you spit on me, you hung me on a cross and you killed me, and I didn't care because I knew, I knew, even when you didn't, and even when you deserved it the least, that you were mine again, and I was taking you back to Dad's heart, and I had you, and I just knew that the seed of love Dad had planted in you so long ago would now begin to flourish in your hearts, and you would turn your hearts back to Us, and I would look into your beautiful eyes again, and you into Mine. Oh beloved, you are the one for Me, you are so precious and worth it all, and here I am, standing at the door to your heart, and I'm knocking, and I'm saying please, darling, please let me come and love you, let me have sweet fellowship with you once again. I WANT YOU, I NEED YOU, I'm LONGING for YOU, I LOVE YOU. I want to be with you, I want you to come and sit with Me at Dad's right hand. Are you willing? Oh that you would be willing.

As I was reading Revelation 3:14-22, this story came to mind. The verse begins, "...The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Origin of the creation of God, says this:..."

fallen

We went to the village again at the beginning of the week. The good news is it had rained a good rain and I was able to help with weeding our peanuts. The bad news, is, well, when we first got there our friend informed us that his two cousins who are also former child soldiers, had along with their uncle, raped a young girl of 13 years. They were most likely high and/or drunk. They've since ran and no one knows where they are. If they show themselves again they will be arrested. The girl was tested and found to be HIV+. Whether or not she was before that they don't know, but if they catch the men and any of them is HIV+ then it's a capital offense, or at least life in prison, because giving someone HIV is charged as murder, rather than the 18 years they would otherwise be sentenced to. It's so disappointing to me. We had taken those guys to Father Heart, we had talked with them, prayed with them, but it seemed nothing was releasing them from the grip that marijuana and alcohol had on them. If they had never been captured and taken as child soldiers for 3 years, maybe this would never have happened. But the uncle was never taken to the bush, and it was their father who introduced them to marijuana at a young age, so maybe it still would have happened. Either way, it makes me feel bad. This one mistake has changed the course of their lives. And now, as I begin spending more time in this village with Ruudy, I was hoping he would be able to reach these young men in a way that I was never able to. And now it's too late. They can't come back or they'll be in prison for life.
And then another one of my friends in the village seems to be thinking of taking a second woman, even though he has one child and another on the way, and he's a christian. The way satan can deceive us and we become so blinded that we don't see the way he has come only to steal, kill and destroy. Somehow he makes it look so attractive, so appealing, until you take the first bite and realize...and by then it's too late. Thank you Lord for redemption, for grace, for being slow to anger and abounding in love. Help my friends, heal their deepest wounds that they try to heal with temporary bandages, like money, drugs, and women. Oh Lord, only You. How we need you, so desperately need you, no matter how much we realize it or not. Minister to the depths of our hearts. Help us to recognize the schemes of the evil one and not be blinded by them, but thwart them.

wanderings/wonderings

I guess I have to stop waiting for stand-out stories and just begin telling it as it is. Ruudy and I just came back from the village in Morungatuny today. Francis and I had done several community assessments before as I described on a previous post (I'd put the link here if I knew how) and so we let Ruudy try it out this time. As he was sitting there asking questions in Ateso, I let my mind begin to wander a bit. As I carefully studied the women and children who sat before us, I tried to put myself in their shoes or lack there of actually. There were two women who were around 40 years somewhere, then there was an especially old lady sitting behind a ways, then there were some of these ladies' daughters with their own children. I looked at their arms, as thick as a man's. Speaking of men, where were they? hmm...anyway, back to the arms, strengthened over years of lugging water from the well, collecting firewood, planting food, weeding, harvesting food, and carrying food to the weekly market. I then looked around at the trees, and the rest of the landscape thinking, this is all they know. They rarely leave their village, there is no electricity, no running water, no how-to manuel, village living for dummies...not there... how do you dream of something you don't even know exists? How can I say I want to be a chiropractor when I grow up when I don't even know that such a thing is even a possibility? and is it even a possibility? The chances for a girl in this village to even finish grade school is so low, then if she can make it in to secondary, will she be able to complete? And if she does complete, is she really equipped enough to think about university in the big city? And if by the grace of God she finishes university, will she really find a job?
Sitting there amongst the ladies and the huts, I began to really wonder how they manage life, and what is life for them? Do they have a longing to go out and see the world, or because they don't know what's out there, there's no desire. Do they think that the rest of the world is just like their place? And where the heck do these white folk come from and why? And somehow without an Iphone, an Ipod, or an Ipad, these ladies are able to survive.  Are they any worse than anyone else? Any better? I guess they are who they are, and so am I. This blog has no ending, it just keeps asking questions? What questions do you have?

cherubim

Enter in.

Holy of Holies.

Cherubim.

Guarding the mercy seat for eternity.

One at each end.

One with the mercy seat.

Wings stretched up toward heaven.

Facing each other.

Facing the seat.

They wait.

With great anticipation.

They wait.

For the One whose blood would finally satisfy the King.

Every year a man, with the blood of animal.

To satisfy the wrath of the King.  

Cherubim watching.

Blood poured out.

Gazing at each other anxiously.

Awaiting a day.

The day.

When blood would be shed for the last time. 

Gazing at each other.

At the mercy seat.

Year after year.

Sacrifice after sacrifice.

Waiting for the adoption of the sons.

The complete redemption of creation.

Waiting, groaning, longing, praising, loving, gazing

Until He comes.

Finally.

He comes.

Finally.

The One whose blood put an end to all other sacrifices.

As His body was rent, so also He rent the veil.

The curtain.

The wall.

The separation of man from God.

We are invited in.

Led into the King’s chambers.

Joining the Cherubim.

We take our place.

The edge of the mercy seat.

We turn our gaze.

From each other to the seat.

The ultimate sacrifice.

We gaze at the seat. 

Love manifested.

Eyes opened to the Way. 

So deeply. So truly. So wholly.

Loved.  

We turn our gaze.

To each other.

It is for each of us.

No one left behind.

Each person called.

The edge of the mercy seat.

Each deserves our love.

We love because He first loved us.

Looking at one another.

Eyes of love.

Encouraging each other.

Staying connected.

To each other.

To the mercy seat.

How deep the Father’s love.

Connected to that seat.

Of mercy.

Of Love.

Of Grace.

Poured in. Poured out.

We gaze upon lit faces.

Our arms are lifted high.

Reaching for our King.

Longing for Him to return.

In all His glory.

Surrendering all of ourselves.

To all of Him.

We’re holding on for life.

There’s no other place.

One with the mercy seat.

One with this Heart of Grace.

King of Kings.

We gaze at each other.

Great expectation.

Our King will return.

Calling us to Himself.

Once and for all.

We are here.

Holding on. Held on to.

Encouraging. Encouraged.

Reaching toward heaven. Embraced by heaven.

Waiting, groaning, longing, praising, loving, gazing.

Until He comes again.

Ex 25:19, 20 and Heb 9-10

a thousand words

In no particular order, a few pictures from the last couple months. I'm hoping the whole "a picture is worth a thousand words" thing, covers for my delinquency in posting of the last several months...that's like 7,000 words, that seems like a lot, it might just work...

We hope you enjoy.

With our parents after the wedding, the precious lady
on the right is Ruudy's aunt Hellen who helped raise him, whom we call mommy,
she went to be with her Savior the 1st of May

Praying for Ruudy just before the wedding

At Tunyi Falls looking for land for a transformation center

The men a week before the wedding

One week before marriage

Ruudy, Betty and Musa playing Ludo

On the honeymoon near Fort Portal

married

We had a beautiful wedding and a short reception due to the blessing of rain. I know so many people were not able to come, due to the distance, who would have loved to be there. So first I want to say thank you for all of your support and encouragement from near and far. I think I will write about the wedding in our next newsletter.
I wish I could write a reflection on married life, but as I think of what to write, I don't know where to begin. Somehow it doesn't even seem real yet. Months of preparation and then it's over in a matter of seconds, I do, I do. We did, and now we're two become one, just like that.
I think the hardest thing must be unmet expectations. I expect certain things that I may or may not verbally express and he also has his expectations. And then to make it more confusing, i can assume what his expectations are and he mine, and cause even more confusion and doubt.
Like in my mind, I find myself allowing the enemy to discourage me, thinking thoughts like, I know he would probably be happier if he had married a Ugandan woman who would treat him like lord & master and do whatever he says. I know it's a lie and sometimes it takes time before I dismiss it as such. And my loving Father keeps calling me to Himself, telling me to trust Him. And Ruudy is being so supportive also and reassuring me of his love. It amazes me how I can feel so strong in my identity as a child of the King one minute and then have such superficial doubts the next (I may blame it on my womanly cycle though I don't have sufficient proof).
All that to say I am learning and though to be honest have gotten discouraged at my own poor thoughts, I press on. I know that I have the mind of Christ, and He is renewing my mind day by day. I don't live as someone who has no hope. I have hope.

a reflection of self

Wow, I waited too long and now where do I really begin? hmmm. I guess I'll begin with myself. Sounds selfish, but it's something which I've been learning so much more about as of late. I think it's easy to come to Africa, be overwhelmed and go home be overwhelmed and get over it. It's also easy to come to Africa, be overwhelmed, stay for a long time and allow your heart to become hard or remain hard. It's a common struggle amongst long term missionaries, experience so much pain, then not know what to do with it, so stuff it down somewhere in the cracks of an ever hardening stone heart. We are human beings and somehow in the midst of all of the pain and over abundance of work, (surely we live in a fallen world desperate for a Savior), we become human doings. Maybe it's so we don't take the time to consider the pain that has so deeply penetrated so many of us. If we run from one hurting soul to the next, if we pack our days so full of activity we won't have time to really face the ugliness, the wretchedness of the sin that is destroying so many lives, and could even be slowly ebbing away at our own.  It's only over the last few months, that my eyes have been opened, and more importantly, my heart has been softened by our loving Father, who works in us as much as we can handle. I think I've cried more in the last four months than most of my life put together. I'm learning more completely what it means to suffer with those who are suffering and rejoice with those who are rejoicing. I guess you could say I'm becoming less productive, in order that I may take the time to really feel, and to really hand the burden over to our Father, spending less time talking at God, and more time listening to His heart and how He's moving in the lives of His precious children. So though I may see myself as less productive these days, I'm trusting Father that it's for the best, that He's working things out in me, allowing my heart of stone to become flesh again and experience Him in a new and deep way. I've learned I can work 24hrs a day here, there's always some crisis that I could be a apart of solving, but actually I can be even more productive if I spend more time just listening, listening to Papa and listening to His children, moving with the triumphant Lion of Judah and the tender Lamb, rather than running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. You see the chicken eventually dies and makes a mess in the process, but the Lion, He's eternal and loves rebuilding lives, and though it can get messy He ultimately cleanses us to the depths. Thank you Jesus. So though it's hardest to come to Africa, be overwhelmed, and continue to have a soft and feeling heart, we have a loving Savior who pours His living water into our hearts and continues to bring healing and restoration, and it's easy to enjoy being with Him, He's the protector of our hearts, and He does a much better job than the stone that eventually crumbles.