America: An African Boy's Perspective Part 5.

A lot has happened this last week. Most of the time, as i sat in the car, admiring the beautiful creation, i kept thinking of how privileged i had also become. And i tried not to dwell on the fact that i may never again get to see some of the things and places that i saw while we were driving; but then, that is life.

A dear mother in the Lord had read about my article about Nursing Homes and told us; when we had settled in her house, about her ministry to some of the old ladies in these homes; particularly about her 97 year old friend; Arlene. She told me that if i had wanted to meet this elderly lady, as i had expressed about meeting someone in a nursing home in my earlier blog, she would try to arrange for a meeting the following day. Though my body was not well from the cough and sore throat, i couldn't let this opportunity pass me by. Arlene greatly agreed to meet us. The next day we drove to the parking lot of this beautiful government Nursing Home. It was better than i expected, complete with a bank, salon, cafeteria, theatre, etc. Everything was neat and clean. In my mind, a lot was going on. As we approached Arlene's room (which has a beautiful sight with the window overlooking her flower garden outside), we overheard her telling the someone who had delivered her food about her guests (we!) who were to arrive soon. She had not taken this visit lightly- she had gone down to the hair salon to get her hair worked on; had changed her dressing and was smartly dressed, waiting for us. We wheeled outside to have a talk. I told her, with the help of our host, Nancy, about my life growing up. When i told her i grew up hunting and farming, her eyes lit up with a glow; she beamed: "i grew up a farmer as well!". At least we had one thing in common. She also told us how she grew up. Nancy asked me to tell Arlene how the elders are cared for in my part of the world and i told her what i told you in the last blog. I asked her how it was done here in America when she was younger. She told us it was almost the same as in Uganda. She even told us how she had helped to care for her grand mother who lived with them until she passed on. I asked her about her experience in the Nursing Home (she has lived her past 10 years in two different nursing homes); she paused for some time thinking and was honest enough. She told us how well they are cared for in that place, the nurses are good and kind, they get good meals, they are attended to when they get sick, etc. But then she sighed and blurted out: "but i miss relationships with other people and my independence". There were people she had left behind whom she missed so much. Before we left, i asked her if she had a choice, which system of elder care would she rather choose-the old system or the new one in the Nursing Home. She again thought for a moment and then told us: "i would choose the old one. It's good to be with the people you love and care about". Nancy had told us how Arlene ended up in a nursing home. Her son had built a small extension in his home for Arlene to stay in and be cared for by his family. However, one day Arlene missed a step and fell down. Her son's wife said she did not want Arlene to stay with them, much to Arlene's chagrin, but she was helpless to stop herself from being taken to her first nursing home. Before we left, i felt the urge to say a prayer. I asked Beckie to ask Arlene if it was ok with her for us to pray, she agreed and the four of us held our hands in a circle and prayed, it was beautiful. Afterwards we each took a turn to hug her and left. I turned back after a short walk and there she was, watching us disappear, i could see in her eyes that a lot was going on in her mind. One huge lesson i learnt was to cherish all the relationships that we have with others right now and enjoy our independence and to each day be grateful for these gifts, because one day, just like Arlene, these may turn out to be what we will miss most. After this encounter, i made up my mind, on how i want to finish...

That's quite a lot about Arlene (bless her Lord). Let me say something about divorce. Since i arrived in America, i have heard about this single word more than i have heard in Uganda since the year started. Through numerous conversations, i have heard words like; "her first husband, his first marriage or second, step children, her parents divorced,...etc". People talk about it freely here as if it's just part of life. You hear in conversations people telling each other do you remember so and so? the listener usually says yes or which one before the word is blurted out, "well, they separated or they are going through a divorce". Reasons are always aplenty and so is pity. in my culture, divorce is associated with shame. It happens, but rarely; a lot has to take place before a divorce happens. There's no hiding that women are not treated well in my culture, to some, they are property, bought through bride price. And over 90% of women in villages pride themselves in bringing in dowry to their parents so that their young or elder brothers can use it for marrying themselves a wife. Domestic violence is common, wife beating is common and some women receive the beating positively as a sign of love! Yes, love! They think if your husband doesn't beat you, he doesn't love you and may be has a mistress somewhere. I know some of you (especially my female readers) are already seething with anger at their foolishness. Let's see what the word says:...therefore shall a man leave his after and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24 KJV). ESV says hold fast instead of cleave. I am no expert here, but my question would be, are we cleaving tight enough to each other? are we holding fast? Or are we cleaving/ clinging/ holding fast to other things in place of marriage? Imagine a man who is drowning and then finds a log floating atop the ocean, what do you think this man will do? He will hold tightly onto this log, because his life may as well depend on it. I like looking at marriage like this. If two people realized that this is the only wife/husband for them, there's no other choice or alternative, i think most marriages would survive. But then questions will come; what is he beats me? what is she cheats on me? what if i am abused? what if....?, what if...?, what if...?. As i read more about divorce in this country, there were different statistics. What caught my heart was that over 50% of christian first marriages in this country end up in divorce, over 60% of second marriages and over 70% of third marriages end up in divorce! of course other stats had it slightly lower with first marriages at 40% divorce rate. What is even more annoying is that christians divorce more than atheists and agnostics! One pastor was quoted as saying it was a tough call trying to save marriages since most of the congregations think it's always an option, not a no go zone! I wonder how conflicts in marriage are resolved here but in my culture; if there was a conflict between the couple, the man's parents (since they would always be the nearest ones) would try to sit the couple down and resolve it. If the wife isn't satisfied, she will tie a few of her things and go back to their home. After a few days, most husbands will travel to go and reclaim her. The woman's brothers and parents would then put the husband to task (some times he may even be beaten) to explain unbecoming behavior. After things are sorted out, the man will carry his wife on his bicycle or motorcycle and take her back home and life continues. The man would be warned against doing the same. Usually divorce is not discussed as an option, rather reconciliation is. If the couple were to divorce, there is a lot of shame on both families and some times, people are scared away from marrying from such a family that is soiled by divorce. People would think both sets of parents did not do a great job bringing up their children in family values and if marriages lasted longer without problems, then the families are praised and many people would want to marry from that family- because kids are/were raised properly. How about christians? My pastor likes saying that "the marriage certificate you signed when you got married didn't have an expiry date". And since we say for better or worse, in sickness and in health...why then run away when the worse showed up? This reminds me of a lady who once told us that she likes to tell all the worst things about her to everyone who desires to be her friend. And then they will have to choose whether to continue being her friend or not. She said this is usually to prepare them so that the day they hear the worst things about her, there would be no surprise! Peter asked Jesus how many times he ought to forgive and the master's reply startled him: "70 times 7 times in a day". One would have to be a devil himself to wrong you 70 times 7 times a day and you would also have to be a devil to remember all these 70 times 7 times worth of wrongs! And the scriptures also say that perfect love casts out all fear and love covers a multitude of sins. I know we all hurt each other in marriage; sometimes our hurts are so deep to bear, every divorce has justifiable reasons for its occurrence, but we can choose to live above and beyond these incidents. I think of these African women who endure and forgive their husbands, sometimes for the sake of their children, their parents, their husbands' shame, among others. Usually in the latter years of their marriages, the couples tend to work things out, and then they begin to love and cling to each other; my own grandfather still kept asking for forgiveness from my grandma for mistreating her and going out with other women when he used to work. They loved each other so much, he always called her "toto" (mommy) and she called him papa. Imagine how many people Christ would be divorcing each minute if he considered ways in which we hurt him and keep nailing him back on the cross with our actions!
Today, we also want everything to happen and move so fast; since we are surrounded with fast things. We want fast forgiveness, fast changes in our partners, fast answers, and we want God to be fast as well in answering our prayers. In my country, young educated people look up to America for almost everything. And lo, they copy almost everything that is done here whether good or bad, they think life is lived best in America. Among graduates today, divorce is on the rise, and so is gay relationships, and also other positive things that happen here. As i wind up this subject, i would like to share with you a quote from my pastor: "True christianity is practiced in a marriage, by married people".

That is already too much. I will push my thoughts on gay relations and others to next week. Hope you had a good read and don't hesitate to give me your feed back. May the Lord bless and sustain you this week. May His will continue to be seen in you and through you, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.
Your Brother in Christ,
Ruudy.